Wtf even is this? Navelgazing post....
Dec. 26th, 2024 07:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lizdamnitLiterally, what the fuck is this??
Food:
*Sudden food icks (rare, but there)
Hungry, wanting something, immediately turned off not just from that, but the concept of eating
Thinking about what I want later, then immediately turned off (sometimes angry for reasons??)
Angry at myself for not knowing what i want?
Angry at pressure to make decisions??
*Lack of hunger cues (literally long as i can remember)
Will I have normal stomach grumbles? Will I have sudden nausea (v common)? sudden headache? sudden fatigue? mood shift? A combo?
*Omg i can't even (food edition)
Literally not eating until I'm ravenous because I cannot handle the mental prep, the physical prep, the decision-making, the cleanup. This usually leads to "girl dinner" which i actually like (girl dinner is freedom).
*The food pill fantasy
Sometimes I wish I could just take a fucking pill and have that be my meal. Not often, just once a day, once every couple of days, when I'm having one of the above mentioned problems. Just take all the pressure off and put nutrition in my face. No decisions, no cleanup, no nothing, just done. Then when I'm back to rights, I'm back to rights.
Body regulation:
*Disconnect
Reading a physical cue as emotional and vice versa (eg I am really depressed, I feel like a failure, do I need to eat or am I struggling with something? who knows, not me!)
*Wild thermostat
THIS is the summertime sadness: people put the AC so friggin' low that when I come in from the outside mildly sweaty, I start sweating buckets, feeling swollen, sometimes faint, nauseous
*Body ops
What even is digestion in the summer?
Why yes, I tend to wake up several times a night for no reason. My brain doesn't even have the good grace to give me a reason. Just up.
Activities:
*Omg I can't even (creative edition)
I want to do something creative but I can't make a single fucking decision about anything, I have no project in mind, no clear goal, so I do not do anything. (Variant) i do have something in mind, but i don't have an end game for it so i don't do it and end up feeling bored and unfulfilled (see: former jewelry-making - i have no place for it and no desire to try to sell again, so I purposefully no longer do this thing that used to bring me such joy).
I want to do things in my spare time, eg writing, art, etc. I have literally amazing ideas for projects but I can't bring myself to start because "what is the point?" I start some things but I don't have time to devote to them, and that's a bad habit so I just stop myself before I start. Or they're projects that require participation of other people, but I stop before starting because I don't know anyone around here and I don't have time to. Some of this is legit because of my old work schedules and stupid commutes. But other people have day jobs and still do shit in off hours. I just bite back anything related to an idea or ambition because that's not for me.
Emotions:
*Literally no clue what I'm feeling most times.
I probably look upset or sad from the outside, but fuck if I know which and fuck if I know why. This Can come with tangential shame/anger spiral because I don't know what I'm feeling and I don' t know why, and I should....and sometimes a tertiary shame/anger spiral because sometimes loved ones NEED TO KNOW and I can't possibly say - is there a reason? Is it buried? Is there literally no reason? God only knows.
*Delayed reaction
I realize I'm sad or angry about something hours or days later (even longer). I am totally ok in the moment when something upsets me, so the sudden problem blindsides me and I feel crazy and sometimes taken advantage of. How can I establish boundaries when I don't know I'm upset?
Socialization:
*The voyeur (100000000000% of the time)
Reasons for self-isolation: (ranked, 1 being most common)
*Socialius Interruptus
I want to reach out and talk/interact with others, I want to talk to new people, etc. but I stop myself right before. You don't know how many posts, entries, discord messages, etc. I type out and immediately erase before I become annoying/make a fool of myself, etc. Why yes, this does make me lonely.
*"You gotta see..." [insert TV show here]
I don't dislike TV or movies but I cannot...STAND...when I get bombarded with the "you gotta see's". I actually do watch stuff but I don't like just sitting there. This makes group watching hard since I can't just *watch* and people expect you to pay attention. Also the insistence can get to me. I'm not talking about recommendations here which I actually like, but the obsessive need to sell me on some series. No. Just no.
I went through this shit with GOT and I've not recovered. "bUt yOu LIkE history" - yes, I do, Dave. But what I don't like are gratuitous rape scenes. This is not historical. This is not remotely historical. I am not using my very spare free time to watch this.
*"Did you read..." [insert NYT Bestseller here]
Also no. I have been burned by fiction so much I am on a strict NF diet, thank you. I have recently read amazing books about textile history, plagues, and the Tarim Mummies, but no one wants to hear that. So no, I'm "not a reader" these days.
*Instant nope (scene)
I notice that a scene/activity has become more draining than fulfilling. I peace out.
*Games terrify me (since FOREVER)
I don't know how most games work, from sports to board games, but since I spent most of my childhood getting screamed at, ostracized, and even punished for that, I STILL cannot bring myself to learn. Turns out you can get pretty far in life avoiding this kind of stuff. Competition scares me. People will bully you over that as kids, but as adults, bullying morphs into harassment and now w/ social media, motherfuckers can ruin your life if they just take a wild hair. Besides, based on literally my entire childhood, if I am not perfect right off the bat, I will ruin everyone's experience and they will hate me. No, thank you.
*Tasks
I'm really organized at work, and rather efficient. At home, I am half organized/half lazy. I know I'm going to get really overwhelmed if I think about the enormity of things that need to be done, so I try to do shortcuts like:
Food:
*Sudden food icks (rare, but there)
Hungry, wanting something, immediately turned off not just from that, but the concept of eating
Thinking about what I want later, then immediately turned off (sometimes angry for reasons??)
Angry at myself for not knowing what i want?
Angry at pressure to make decisions??
Will I have normal stomach grumbles? Will I have sudden nausea (v common)? sudden headache? sudden fatigue? mood shift? A combo?
*Omg i can't even (food edition)
Literally not eating until I'm ravenous because I cannot handle the mental prep, the physical prep, the decision-making, the cleanup. This usually leads to "girl dinner" which i actually like (girl dinner is freedom).
*The food pill fantasy
Sometimes I wish I could just take a fucking pill and have that be my meal. Not often, just once a day, once every couple of days, when I'm having one of the above mentioned problems. Just take all the pressure off and put nutrition in my face. No decisions, no cleanup, no nothing, just done. Then when I'm back to rights, I'm back to rights.
Body regulation:
*Disconnect
Reading a physical cue as emotional and vice versa (eg I am really depressed, I feel like a failure, do I need to eat or am I struggling with something? who knows, not me!)
*Wild thermostat
THIS is the summertime sadness: people put the AC so friggin' low that when I come in from the outside mildly sweaty, I start sweating buckets, feeling swollen, sometimes faint, nauseous
*Body ops
What even is digestion in the summer?
Why yes, I tend to wake up several times a night for no reason. My brain doesn't even have the good grace to give me a reason. Just up.
Activities:
*Omg I can't even (creative edition)
I want to do something creative but I can't make a single fucking decision about anything, I have no project in mind, no clear goal, so I do not do anything. (Variant) i do have something in mind, but i don't have an end game for it so i don't do it and end up feeling bored and unfulfilled (see: former jewelry-making - i have no place for it and no desire to try to sell again, so I purposefully no longer do this thing that used to bring me such joy).
I want to do things in my spare time, eg writing, art, etc. I have literally amazing ideas for projects but I can't bring myself to start because "what is the point?" I start some things but I don't have time to devote to them, and that's a bad habit so I just stop myself before I start. Or they're projects that require participation of other people, but I stop before starting because I don't know anyone around here and I don't have time to. Some of this is legit because of my old work schedules and stupid commutes. But other people have day jobs and still do shit in off hours. I just bite back anything related to an idea or ambition because that's not for me.
Emotions:
*Literally no clue what I'm feeling most times.
I probably look upset or sad from the outside, but fuck if I know which and fuck if I know why. This Can come with tangential shame/anger spiral because I don't know what I'm feeling and I don' t know why, and I should....and sometimes a tertiary shame/anger spiral because sometimes loved ones NEED TO KNOW and I can't possibly say - is there a reason? Is it buried? Is there literally no reason? God only knows.
*Delayed reaction
I realize I'm sad or angry about something hours or days later (even longer). I am totally ok in the moment when something upsets me, so the sudden problem blindsides me and I feel crazy and sometimes taken advantage of. How can I establish boundaries when I don't know I'm upset?
Socialization:
*The voyeur (100000000000% of the time)
Reasons for self-isolation: (ranked, 1 being most common)
- I don't have spoons to talk much - ok, this is legit given my common work situations
- I don't want to ruin the vibe (often related to the next)
- I don't know shit about what people are watching/playing and I don't want to ruin the vibe
- I'm afraid of dominating the conversation
- I have to ration my interactions with people because I am tiresome and I have nothing going on to discuss. If I interact too much, I can no longer hide this and will loose my friends/positive interaction because socializing is something you can loose, yes. This is a normal thought.
*Socialius Interruptus
I want to reach out and talk/interact with others, I want to talk to new people, etc. but I stop myself right before. You don't know how many posts, entries, discord messages, etc. I type out and immediately erase before I become annoying/make a fool of myself, etc. Why yes, this does make me lonely.
*"You gotta see..." [insert TV show here]
I don't dislike TV or movies but I cannot...STAND...when I get bombarded with the "you gotta see's". I actually do watch stuff but I don't like just sitting there. This makes group watching hard since I can't just *watch* and people expect you to pay attention. Also the insistence can get to me. I'm not talking about recommendations here which I actually like, but the obsessive need to sell me on some series. No. Just no.
I went through this shit with GOT and I've not recovered. "bUt yOu LIkE history" - yes, I do, Dave. But what I don't like are gratuitous rape scenes. This is not historical. This is not remotely historical. I am not using my very spare free time to watch this.
*"Did you read..." [insert NYT Bestseller here]
Also no. I have been burned by fiction so much I am on a strict NF diet, thank you. I have recently read amazing books about textile history, plagues, and the Tarim Mummies, but no one wants to hear that. So no, I'm "not a reader" these days.
*Instant nope (scene)
I notice that a scene/activity has become more draining than fulfilling. I peace out.
*Games terrify me (since FOREVER)
I don't know how most games work, from sports to board games, but since I spent most of my childhood getting screamed at, ostracized, and even punished for that, I STILL cannot bring myself to learn. Turns out you can get pretty far in life avoiding this kind of stuff. Competition scares me. People will bully you over that as kids, but as adults, bullying morphs into harassment and now w/ social media, motherfuckers can ruin your life if they just take a wild hair. Besides, based on literally my entire childhood, if I am not perfect right off the bat, I will ruin everyone's experience and they will hate me. No, thank you.
*Tasks
I'm really organized at work, and rather efficient. At home, I am half organized/half lazy. I know I'm going to get really overwhelmed if I think about the enormity of things that need to be done, so I try to do shortcuts like:
- Task Rationing: Say it's a weekend and I don't have to be anywhere or have anything pressing to do. But I do need to do things like household chores. I will space that shit out because if I'm not careful I'll have everything done by 10AM and have the terrifying prospect of an empty day ahead of me. Sometimes this backfires and I make between-task intervals WAY too long and this turns into just not doing stuff.
- Microtasking: This one I defend. This is not a problematic thing, but more like a little hack I use. If I'm having a bad emotional time, or if I'm ill/injured, I'll ignore larger tasks (eg mowing the lawn) in favor of related tiny tasks (eg pulling the weeds out of a small section). Enough microtasks, you actually end up doing a thing. It's just not all at once, and you're not worn out afterwards.
- Strategic Bedrotting: This is when I'm really doing bad. I do a few microtasks, or one larger one from the list, and I set a timer for an hour, two hours, and I let myself lay down and hook up to the dopamine machine that is scrolling media. I'm not proud of it. Sometimes I overstay my timer. But I literally bargain with myself that I can hide for a while if do a couple things. And then I get up and do a couple more things, even seemingly inconsequential things. Back and forth.
- The Done List: This is also a legit good one. I don't always have to do this, but when I'm feeling really awful, if I can bring myself to, I keep lists of what I did do that day. Not a to-do, not a project list, just tracking what I did accomplish so I have literal proof that I did not waste my time.
