Age.

[lizdamnit]

I am having feelings about aging. Overall, I'm pretty body-positive, age-positive, sex-positive. But sometimes I loose the thread. I lost it bad a few days ago. I'm going to talk about that in this entry. I want to emphasize that what I'm about to talk about is not jealousy at youth. This is not mutton-as-lamb nonsense. This is a real inventory of things that have been causing me actual pain and I think I'm not the only one. So I am just putting all of this out here in case this makes someone else feel less lonely.

......Space because I can't figure out the damn cut tag........

For my 41st and 42nd birthdays, I've been in a depressive state. I feel old, ugly, insecure, invisible. I yearn for external attention, validation. I want compliments, pursuit, desire. But I was sitting there crying. I'm still not 100% even a few days after as I write this.

 

I know I should not rely on these things but my god I feel like I'm starving to be noticed as a sexual being. I feel petty, needy, damaged. I want attention, flattery, compliments, desire. However I am terrified to ask for it. I also resent having to ask for it. Yes, I want spontaneous compliments, affection, recognition that I am desirable. Let me know that you think of me and want me even when I'm not there. I literally worry I'm deluding myself that anyone finds me attractive (even in the platonic sense).

 

So this morass of emotions led me to introspection which is never a good idea. I started feeling very sorry for myself. However, I at least reached some interesting points of thought. I realized several things about myself and my appearance/appeal:

 

• I am so wounded by the late 90s/early 2000s culture regarding sex appeal. If you are from this generation, you know what I mean. Back then, if you were a woman or girl that did not fit into a certain mold, you were ignored at best, bullied/abused at worst. If you were a man that wanted someone outside that mold, no you didn't - you pursued who the culture told you was attractive not who you wanted. This was drilled into me by media and my family. It was unrelenting. If you are not XYZ, you are unfuckable and need to be grateful for any crumb of attention thrown your way. Fast forward to today where it is common for men to take to social media to openly, unapologetically discuss their love for various body types. I have seen this effect myself and while I love it I can't rest easy in it, I can't bask in it because I just can't reconcile being a desirable woman with the "programming" I was built on. I just can't wrap my head around it. I feel like I'm scamming people if they find me attractive. I am convinced I'm invisible in social situations. At some point the jig will be up and whatever beauty I admire will turn around and be cruel to me for daring to look above my station. I've been the convenient blowjob. I've been the girl you never want your buddies to see. I've been the hidden secret. It's not fun. I took what I could get at the time, but by god I wish I held out for more. Now I have to still carry this crap while I'm trying to enjoy my adult life.

 

• External validation is not supposed to be something ~strong women~ strive for, but I need it. I need this because I have been invisible pretty much my whole life. I have done a lot....a lot....of caregiving from a very early age. I call this being the Mother Machine. Most of this was emotional/psychological so all the more insidious. I was parentified with a capital P. Realizing this doesn't make it easier to deal with. The praise came when I was strong, when I was reliable, when I weathered every storm and kept moving around my track. Peace only really came when I was hurting. This is not what a young woman needs. I developed a smart mouth where self esteem should have been since humor was the one way I could be seen. I love my humor but it tells a tale that's very sad: When you are this deep in a parentified role, you are not visible. You are not validated. Your personality is not reinforced since you are the Mother Machine that keeps going and going. No one stops to teach you how to praise and be praised. I was loved, yes, but I was only valued for how much pain I could take and keep going. So I

 

• I am femme but not feminine. I have no idea what this means buy by god is it true. Sometimes I wonder if one can be cis and have dysphoria, since I think I do. I don't think I'm NB or trans, but I don't think I fully fit into femininity. However, I am very femme. Make this make sense, cause I can't!! For example: the thought of being seen in regular lingerie makes me want to cry and run away. But give me something menswear or vintage and I'm fine. So what can I do about it? How do I make myself believe that I am beautiful and sexy? The typical advice to handle this feeling usually to "wear something sexy, wear what makes you feel powerful and beautiful, slay queen! (tm)" I don't know what that is. I literally don't know what works for me sartorially because I don't fit into "feminine". I have a damaged relationship with femininity for many reasons that I'm still discovering. Some of it is from being a larger person ("feminine" is usually equated with petite). Some of it is from being money conscious (hard to be a fashion plate when you

 

• My points of reference came form a heavily traumatized boomer and it's fucked me up. I am quite literally disconnected from the world around me because the "intel" I got growing up was irrevocably colored by the unhealed wounds of my parents, especially my mother. From her own insecurities to the fucked up shit they lived with generally and in terms of dating/mating. I think my mother had the best of intentions, but she was trying to arm me against what she perceived as a terrifying, cruel social world. To use the example of weight: she was far from an "almond mom", thank god. But she had a fucked up view of size. She didn't diet or restrict, but she had this weird view that exercise and physicality were "for skinny people". She literally subscribed to BBW magazine but also constantly talked about how abused she was about her weight in her youth, by men. Men will hate you. But why am I not talking about men, pursuing men, MEN MEN MEN??? But remember men are disgusting and don't like big girls. BUT MEN. Be unique, be an engine not a caboose, be independent but don't leave the house, don't move, don't give any way for people to bully you for your size. ALSO MEN. Eat, cook, enjoy food, don't diet, but don't exercise, but also don't forget that you NEED MEN and skinny women are stupid. This was a constant broadcast when I was growing up. It's a wonder I don't have an eating disorder and a drug addiction. Even though the last few sentences were chaotic, I think you can see what I'm driving at here!

 

Next installment: What am I doing about it?